oh great, here I go again...

stretch...

2004-03-26T08:23:45Z

well, its been a while since ive updated this and it may be the last for another indefinite period of time. i guess i just figured, since its my birthday, that i should post a journal...just for the hell of it. i guess nothing makes you feel quite so old as waking up on your birthday, aching and hacking, not being able to breathe, and then going to work and having no more than a handful of people say happy birthday to you. its really not that big of a deal as im not the most attention starved person but i guess it would be nice to have maybe a few more people notice...or something. i dunno, i think i just miss the old days when my parents were together and we'd go out for a birthday dinner and we'd hang out as a family. on top of that, it kinda hurts a little that one of the band members' girlfriends said happy birthday to me a few different times but the band member himself didn't even get me a birthday card. i got him a cd and a card for his birthday. and he got another one of the band members a card for their birthday just a few days ago...oh well...im probably just being stupid and feeling sorry for myself. thats enough.

so long.

"someone around here hath murdered sleep. good for them."

its over...finally

2004-02-02T21:03:50Z

so we're finally done with recording and it is a huge weight off my shoulders. so far it's sounding pretty good. we have a rough copy that isnt mixed or mastered or anything but it sounds alright. its gonna be mixed and mastered this week and will be released in early march as far as i know. artwork will be done by yours truly.
other than recording, ive just been trying to maximize my time with lindsay because the recording put so much stress on me and made me so tired that all i wanted to do was be with her and not have to worry about anything.
so yeah. i gotta go to work soon...

i hope everything works out bebe. i love you more than anything.

<3

wow...

2004-01-21T11:16:13Z

HAPPY NINE MONTH ANNIVERSARY BEBE!!!!

These past months have been the best of my life and I can't wait to spend more with you. I love you more than anything.

<3 me

what a drag...

2004-01-20T08:27:19Z

well, we did a music video shoot on saturday which went well. we also had Chris, the guy who's gonna engineer our EP, come by our studio tonite to give us kind of a final listen before we go in to record with him. should be fun.

i'm bumming so bad right now it's not even funny...and i dont really feel like going into it. just mainly separations and frustrations.

i had a great weekend with lindsay (aka squirt). we didnt do a whole lot really but it really doesnt matter as long as i'm with her.

so yeah...i think its bed time.

i love you bebe <3

p.s. the new get up kids cd kicks ass

the end of an era

2004-01-13T09:57:27Z

some people can be so stupid and petty and those same people seem to have no problem throwing away a 10 year friendship. call it what you will...i think its a certain amount of voluntary blindness to what is actually going on around you and a certain forgetfulness of what used to mean something to you. so long old friend...its been fun.

i miss you bebe. i could use your arms around me right now. i hope you know that i love you more than i ever thought possible.

<3

5 more days...

2004-01-12T09:45:50Z

"...but the faster i go, the sooner i have to leave. so i'm gonna take my time so i dont have to say goodbye."

i miss you

<3

so this is the new year...

2004-01-05T08:06:13Z

...and i dont feel any different

but what a great way to spend it. me and lindsay went to magic mountain (where i almost said "fuck yeah" to some little kid) with some of her friends and then came home and passed out around 10 or so. we woke up at 11:59 and kissed each other into the new year and then went back to sleep. honestly...it was the best new year i think ive ever had. so comfortable...so relaxing...so warm. we got to spend a whopping 5 days together and of course it went by like 1 day so now im sitting here missing her and counting down the minutes until friday afternoon. the show tonite was good except that my voice sucked horribly. oh well. hopefully it gets better quickly.

bedtime.

oh yeah...my new years resolution? to figure who i'm supposed to be and what i'm supposed to do with my life within this next year. good luck to me.

i love you bebe.

<3

to you

2003-12-30T21:09:49Z

oh how the city lights reflect in your eyes
and how my hands what to roam your thighs
and maybe tomorrow you wont know my name
but i know for tonite we're one in the same
now take me to heaven on wings of your love
and show me with your lips how far this could go

i cant wait to see you tonite. i love you.

<3

hey you

2003-12-15T22:17:08Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEBE

i miss you and i love you

<3

"i swear that i can go on forever again. please let me know that my one bad day will end. i will go down as your lover, your friend. give me your lips and with one kiss we begin. i'll leave my room open til sunrise for you. i'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you. where are you now? i can hear footsteps. i'm dreaming. and if you will, keep me from waking to believe this. are you afraid of being alone? cuz i am. i'm lost without you. are you afraid of leaving tonite? cuz i am. i'm lost without you.

what a wonderful weekend...

2003-12-08T08:30:15Z

cause what i feel inside, i dont want to hide. it's you that got to me, its what i want to sing, cause i've got a dream for us running through my mind...sitting on the beach, looking at the sea and we're old and tired
and time has made us smile as we go on counting things; people in the breeze...we're not the only ones
there's hundreds on the shore looking at the sea but it's just you and me.

<3

<3

2003-12-03T10:00:12Z

And as I look out of this window, a thousand miles from the ground, I wonder if you’re looking up from a window a thousand miles down, with those blue eyes wondering if you are on my mind (you are)…
And as the wheels touch down on asphalt I’ve never seen before, I wonder if your feet ever touch ground without you thinking of me cuz I know that my mind wanders to you before I ever roll out of bed…
And this is what it’s like to want and not get
And this is what it feels like when needs are not met
Maybe this feeling of breathlessness is to be expected when withdrawals set in...
And as I clip this belt around my waist I wonder if youre as excited to see me as I am to see you because I haven’t had this much trouble putting on a seatbelt since I was 5 and this is how I know I love you…

<3

"I need to get my car down"

2003-12-01T08:59:23Z

FUCK RECORD LABELS AND FUCK THE MUSIC INDUSTRY

ok, onto a better note...i had a really great, and much needed, time with lindsay this weekend. we went shopping on saturday which was a lot of fun. i got her some stuff and she got me some stuff and we just had a good time. then we rented Rushmore and watched that and got kinda wierded out by it and then "went to bed". we woke up this morning kinda early and went to arby's for lunch where i had the worlds largest roast beef sandwich. then we went to tilly's and she got a rad purse and i got her another christmas present. then we got home and celebrated christmas early by opening one of each others gifts. she got me a really rad old man hat and i gave her the shirt i got her at tilly's which is a really cute pink "cow-girl" shirt with superman buttons. thats what i call the kinda buttons that snap rather than actually button. then we got really bored and decided to make each other some art pieces. that wound up being fun. then we went and got pizza and then just hung out til i had to go. good weekend. i cant wait til next weekend. so yeah. oh yeah, even though thanksgiving is over, THINGS THAT I'M THANKFUL FOR: Lindsay, my family, my band, our awesome fans, finally getting a job, life, and the oppurtunity to be surrounded by such incredible people. goodnite all.

<3

"are you afraid of being alone? cuz i am. im lost without you. are you afraid of leaving tonite? cuz i am. im lost without you."

a moment of silence for the passing of your childhood...

2003-11-26T10:17:38Z

I wouldn't mind if you took me in my sleep tonite
I wouldnt even put up a fight
I wouldnt care if you took it all away today
Im sure I wouldnt even miss the pain...
I know I've got to live my life
And roll around on the ground and feel the strife
And realize all the way that Im nothing more
Than a grain of salt in the salt of the earth
And everything is grace
So come on with the darkness
And come on with the fear
Cuz its gotta start somewhere
And it might as well be here
And when Im finally naked and standing here in the sunlight
And I'll look back at all this selfishness and foolish pride and LAUGH AT MYSELF

life is so overwhelming sometimes...

here i go

2003-11-20T08:36:05Z

i miss you

today i went to lunch with my dad and when i got back i picked up the old guitar and started playing. at first i was just gonna try to evolve a song that i had written that was possible gonna make it onto the cd but then i started writing something else. 5 minutes later i had a complete song and i had gotten emotions out that ive been trying to get out for 4 or more years. i then went to work which was pretty cool as far as jobs go and then practice where i showed the guys the new song and they kinda shot it down...well, at first. after a while we worked through it together and we made it into something we all like. so its good and it may be on the record. we'll have to wait and see. here it is...

So Long, Goodbye

So maybe you're thinking I'm crazy
And maybe I don't really care
Cuz everything you have done to me
Has left me with only despair
But finally I've come to my senses
And realized you're not worth my time
And I know I've found something better
And I know that I'll be just fine
And don't think I'm gonna miss you at all
When you're gone
I'm alright, never been better before
This is so long and goodbye
Now all of my memories with you
Are nothing but bitter regret
And I hope I never hear from you
I hope you don't call me again...again
And don't think I'm gonna miss you at all
When you're gone
I'm alright, never been better before
This is so long and goodbye
I hope this song makes its way to you
And I hope you know who it's for
And maybe you'll finally realize
How long ago I shut the door
And don't think I'm gonna miss you at all
When you're gone
I'm alright, never been better before
This is so long...
And don't think I'm gonna miss you at all
When you're gone
I'm alright, never been better before
This is so long and goodbye...goodbye

I love you bebe and you're the "something better" that im talking about in this song. you make everything so beautiful. goodnite.

<3

how blessed we are

2003-11-19T09:54:32Z

started work today...doesnt seem like it'll be too too bad. i mean, i do get to make up my own schedule every week...
unfortunately its fucking up this coming weekend and i feel really bad about it too. its really bumming me out because that just means that yet another weekend with lindsay is cut short for something that i have to do and i have no real way of working around it. it sucks but im really hoping that this time is the last time, at least for a while. from here on out i shouldnt have to work on a weekend ever again...or at least until i get another job or something...but ideally, never again.
on a side note, i feel like im re-falling in love with her. like, i kinda feel like this every weekend when i see her but for whatever reason right now its just as intense as that but im not even with her. i cant wait to see what its like when i get to see her. i think i might pass out. either way, i think its a really cool thing that im re-falling in love with her. God...i cant wait to see her.
ok, bed time...

<3

"i am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned and i have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay and true, it may seem like a stretch but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when i am missing you to death...they will see us waving from such great heights, "come down now," they'll say, but everything looks perfect from far away, "come down now," but we'll stay..."

mmhmmm

2003-11-17T08:18:41Z

what a wonderful weekend. i really cant even describe how awesome it always is to spend time with lindsay. she just always makes me feel so incredible...
this weekend we: hung out friday. saw death cab and nada surf on saturday which was so amazing. slept in and cuddled all day sunday. i wish the weekends would get longer so i could spend more time with her.
we also had our last show of the year tonite at di piazzas. there was a surprising number of kids there tonite and it was so rad. once again they out sang me on promise and parts of waiting for you. thats such an amazing experience. i also autographed my first pick tonite. better than signing a drum stick...i think we drew the largest crowd tonite, despite playing with slow coming day and emery, two bands on tooth and nail records...
thank you bebe for such a great weekend. i love you more than anything.

<3

"...with my feet on the dash the world doesnt matter...when you feel embarrassed, then i'll be your pride. when you need directions, then i'll be your guide...for all time..."

"all i know is she warms my heart..."

2003-11-12T09:27:20Z

another fun-filled weekend spent with Lindsay. it was spent mainly taking it easy and enjoying the time with each other. we rented finding nemo and watched that with her mom on either friday or saturday. that was a good movie. i cant wait for next weekend just because i cant wait to see her again. car wash? yes. show? maybe. kisses? definitely.

im so damn boring...and i dont really have a whole lot to say in this journal entry so i think im gonna get going.

oh yeah...and i finally got a job. woo hoo.

i love you bebe.

<3

would you come over? you know that you want to...

2003-11-05T07:09:39Z

man...tonite was a lot of fun. my mom, step-dad and i drove up to camarillo at 4:30 and picked up lindsay. then we went to best buy and shopped. then we went to the cheesecake factory and had some good food. then we walked around the mall and got some christmas shopping done. the crappy part was having to take lindsay home and having to say goodbye. the best part was that the whole nite was spent with lindsay and i never being any more than a couple feet apart from each other. it felt so good to have her so close for so long. i really cant wait until the weekend to see her again.

i love you more and more each day

<3

here i go...again

2003-11-04T00:30:55Z

if i lost this, i would lose everything. i need to stop being so stupid and really realize and appreciate the beauty that i have right in front of me and treat it like it needs and deserves to be treated.

i can be such a fuck up sometimes...

im so sorry.

i love you more than anything

<3

"here i go...scream my lungs out to try to get to you, you are my only one. i let go but theres just no one that gets me like you do, you are my only, my only one..."

Doll

2003-10-30T03:38:00Z

sometimes emotions can make you be really stupid...i think for me, that is more often than not the case. i think i just really miss lindsay a lot right now and sometimes i just dont know how to handle that feeling. its kinda like a big hole right in the middle of my stomach...oh well.
im kinda looking forward to having a job because all this not having anything to do all day is seriously driving me up the wall. that probably contributes to me missing her because she's all im ever thinking about and when im home, alone, all day long, thats a lot of time to be thinking about one subject and one subject only.
but then again...there's no subject i'd rather let monopolize my thoughts...

"...my lonely heart is tired again and i am starved for her attention...i'll cheer for you silently and carefully not to disturb. i'll be ready on that evening when you're starved for my attention you'll say, 'wake now, prince; there's a brilliant sky above and a jealous moon in love and they are starved for our attention..."

<3

there's a first time for everything...

2003-10-29T20:34:26Z

ok...so ive never done one of these stupid things on here before but ive been really bored as of late and i figured this could probably alleviate at least a little of my boredom...

so here goes:

1. 8 things you believe in
love
music
God
friends
family
me
art
life

2. 8 famous people you would want to invite to a dinner party.
chris simpson
jeremy enigk
jesus
kevin smith
tim kasher
jesse lacey
chris carrabba
pablo picasso

3. 8 most recent things you've bought
the good life-black out
copeland-beneath medicine tree
a #4 from del taco
water
gas
guitar picks
death cab for cutie-transatlanticism
the fire theft-the fire theft

4. 8 things you hate
hypocrits
STUN
cell phones
bad drivers
freeways
gasoline
job hunting
the fires

5. 8 bands you used to be into...but aren't anymore
bush
silverchair
boyz 2 men
the cure
bad religion
social distortion
new found glory
the supertones

6. 8 words to describe you
lazy
musician
loving
emotional
sensitive
procrastinator
hopeful
dreamer

7. Top 8 Bands
mineral
the get up kids
further seems forever
brand new
saves the day
death cab for cutie
sunny day real estate
the gloria record

8. Last 8 songs you listened to
staying alive-cursive
& serenading-mineral
the last word is rejoice-mineral
black eyes-crosstide
transatlanticism-death cab for cutie
hanging on for hope-the new amsterdams
parking lot-mineral
the quiet things that no one ever knows-brand new

9. 8 people/types of people that should go to hell
rapists
bad drivers
whoever started the fires
Osama Bin Laden
Saddam Hussein
murderers
abusers
satanists

10. 8 things that make you happy
lindsay
my band
mineral
family
friends
independence
food
books

11. 8 things you fear
loneliness
rejection
failure
bad drivers
hurting someone else
lack of funds
the dark
really deep water

12. 8 things you want to do before you die
marry lindsay
become a dad
get signed
make sufficient money to support a family
have a hit song
fly an airplane
meet chris simpson
own a fast car

13. 8 PEOPLE you want to do before you die
lindsay
lindsay
lindsay
lindsay
lindsay
lindsay
lindsay
lindsay

<3

huh...fire...go figure

2003-10-27T10:05:08Z

well, the palisade van is no more...apparently fire in the engine compartment is bad. its kinda sad really...we have a lot of memories in there. oh well...shit happens.
on a brighter note, i had a wonderful time with lindsay this weekend. she's going to be joining me at erik and dawns wedding and that makes me ecstatic. i cant wait to see her in that dress and those shoes, looking amazing. i cant wait to put my hands on her waist and dance with her. im so disgustingly in love its not even funny.

RIP "the Beast" 1989-2003

<3

"i need you so much closer...so come on...come on"

So long Elliott

2003-10-24T05:30:53Z

hopefully you're in a place that is much better than here...we'll miss you

"...now you can do what you want to whenever you want to..."

today is in my way...

2003-10-16T07:57:05Z

why do employers have to be such dicks? today i got a full example of how dick-like they can be. oh well...its over with now and i finally have an interview. the one good thing that came of today. im beginning to feel more artistically protective over my music...which i think is probably a bad thing when it comes to recording and production and what not...whatever. the new intro for the cd kicks ass, if i do say so my self...i think it carries more emotion than almost any song i've ever written. but then again its only a minute and a half long, so...
anyway, im going to bed...im boring myself

im stuck here in the middle...a war with good and evil

2003-10-14T21:06:59Z

i had a really great time once again with lindsay. we got to spend 5 days together which was so great but makes saying good-bye that much harder. its funny because before i met her i thought maybe there was something wrong with me in that i would just get bored in a relationship after too long. but we've been together for 6 months now and everytime i see her i still get the same excitement and butterflies that i got the first time i met her. i think thats a pretty good sign that im really in love with her.
i got the new death cab cd and the new fire theft cd and both are simply amazing. they are mellow and emotional and beautiful at most points and driving and loud at others. i love them both. especially the fire theft cd which is a perfect transition from the rising tide, the last sunny day cd, and so its just like having a new sunny day cd which is rad. i wish i could get a new mineral cd...
crap...its been so long since i've had a job that i dont even remember really what its like to have one...and no, thats not a good thing. i need a job really, really bad. at least all this lack of money is teaching me better money handling skills...

"bah bah, bah bah, this is the sound of settling..."